From Self-Doubt to Sacred Service: Embracing the Power of Vulnerability
Who am I to lead a sacred women’s circle, publish writings, or worse, be a life coach and ask to be paid for a private 1:1 call with me?
The self-doubt never goes away, to be honest, but I’m also highly aware that the one doubting is the human part of myself—the little girl in me who was told that I’m no good.
Things started to shift when I stopped making it about myself and focused on how what I’m about to bring forth serves others. All my choices began to align with how to be the woman, the person, who can deliver these services, these offerings—everything that brings lightness to the hearts of those who receive it. Because, God knows, I still feel it in my bones—what it’s like to be lost, tangled in random thoughts, pressured by the world’s expectations of me as a woman, and burdened by the lingering fear and guilt of not only disappointing my father, but also not having a “normal” job, not being married, and worst of all, not being able to give him grandchildren. It felt like such a total failure. What the…
One evening, everything hit hard when all the lights went out in my building for the whole night. It was completely dark, with only the faint light of a streetlamp in the distance. My dogs were barking, and after all the moments of being a badass and crushing every to-do list thrown my way, I found myself at the edge of my bed, on the ground, feeling complete silence. I could hear the ticking pulse in the lower part of my head, as if it were a time bomb. My whole body was numb, and suddenly, I didn’t know what to do or why I was even doing anything. As the silence of the blackout persisted, the pulse in my head grew louder. For the first time in my life, I admitted I’m not okay.
I rang a friend and heard her voice on the other end. I couldn’t say a word, and she immediately knew something was wrong. I always have something to say, so me being quiet was an alarm. She whispered, “Come to my home and bring your dogs.”
In the dark, using the flashlight on my phone, my dogs and I made our way to my car. Everything happened on autopilot. When I arrived at my friend’s house, about half an hour later—though I barely remember the drive—she escorted me to her room. There, I crashed face down at the edge of her bed and cried my heart out. I don’t know how long I cried or even why I was crying. She said, “I’m not okay, and I’m trying so hard to be okay,” and she reminded me that I don’t need to hold it all by myself. She advised me to reach out from time to time.
In that moment, I gave myself a hard look. The seemingly great life of a young woman in her twenties—wild, free, and able to get whatever she desired with a snap of her fingers—was broken inside. I thought if I worked hard, earned lots of money, and became fabulous, everything would be okay. But everything was okay on the outside, yet I was rotten inside.
These days, when I look into the eyes of others, I sometimes see myself. I recognize those smiling masks, and I know the deep sadness behind the eyes. I’ve been there. Back then, I thought, ‘I should not be a pussy and play the victim role.’ Never my vibe. I played the role of the one who could do and have it all.
At this point in my life, I don’t have all the answers, but one thing I’m sure of is that everything we are aiming for and longing for is already present in each one of us. We don’t just long for things for no reason; it’s an invitation to come back to ourselves and unravel more of our gifts.
What I provide is a safe space, as if I’m holding a lamp that keeps burning through my embodiment, bringing light to the corners we neglect and fear to face. I have sat in my fire, and that’s why I can say it is safe.
Let me hold space for you, because you, too, don’t have to do it all by yourself.
I’ve arrived at this point in my life because I have people in my life who never left my side, no matter what. The world may fall apart, but someone’s got me, and that provides a profound sense of safety for my heart and my entire being. With all my might, I want to provide that for you, too. Because I know how it feels to be alone.
My invitation to you: If you have lingering ideas, services, offerings, or products that you desire to create and bring forth, but self-doubt is holding you back, I invite you to take a moment after reading this. Take a moment of silence with yourself and imagine looking into your own eyes, seeing how this serves so many people. Feel their pain, which is very much alive in you too, and sense how it adds value to their lives and the whole. On your next inhale, feel a surge of energy flow into your nostrils, filling the full capacity of your lungs. As you exhale, open your mouth, sigh it out, and release all the heaviness you’re holding in your body. With your next move, your next choice, align with your creations.
It matters a lot. It’s in highest service.
Go for it. Become the one.
With love,
Joanne Genoza
If this message stirred something in you… Then it will be in high service to you to read this next post:
“Your Bold Yes Will Change Everything.”
Joanne Genoza
